Hïlad and welcome to issue eight of the astonishingly remarkable and remarkably astonishing Zolid Matters, the newsletter of the British Jameld Association. Persistent, tenacious or (let's not mince words) old readers will confirm that right from the start, i.e. issue one, this journal has always been fairly forceful in its use of colour. With daring swathes of verdancy, ZM8 ascends to fresh depths of garishness--the sad result of the Editor's desperate search for novelty. We apologise for this and hope that the smudgy green bits will not spoil your enjoyment of this issue.
Here at Jameld Towers, we are often asked: "How do you say [insert common word or phrase here] in Jameld?" The usual answer given is, "Um ... good question." To rectify the situation, therefore, we present for your delectation the quality item which is "A Phrase A Quarter."
Hand me over those moccasins.
Yibyë ime te mokasines lerid.They will not help you much, they are like a singed cat.
Temt na helneg^fäo iye weth, temt ist lauk an sengi kat.
The above exchange is from a genuine phrasebook: 'Handbook of Gaelic Phrases and Sentences' by A. MacFarlane, M.A., published in 1939. Honest. [The original was in Gaelic, obviously--Ed.]
And now, the moment you didn't know you were waiting for, where we reproduce some of your letters. For reasons of space--and, indeed, of ennui--these are, of course, ruthlessly edited highlights only. Our first correspondent is R.W., from somewhere in the Midlands:
"Started the 'Dear Ed' column yet?" [Yes--Ed.]
There now follows an excerpt from a long and rambling rant which we received recently; the sender's name has been changed.
"I am not a regular reader of Zolid Matters, and I am most definitely not a Jamelite [sic]. The whole idea of Jamelism [sic, again] leaves me aghast. I can only beg readers of this paper return to their senses and regular humankind. Yours anti-Jamel [sic and tired], Mildred"
Such forthrightness! (You should've seen the bits we cut out.) Frankly, Mildred, your vitriol might carry more weight in future if you ensure that you spell your enemy correctly. Moving on ...
"Having been suitably impressed by my first issue of Zolid Matters, I felt compelled to write and express my deep gratitude to you." (Miss X, West Midlands)
"Probably one of the funniest things I'd read. It took me ages to read because I had to keep stopping to laugh." (C.I., Suffolk)
Ah, now these are the sort of letters we like. Anything like that is always more than welcome. Finally this time, a query from D.P. in Hampshire:
"What is a Zolid, and why does it matter?"
Now that, D.P., is an excellent question which deserves an equally excellent answer. But not here.
After the remarkable success (all right then, totally disorganized non-event) of the inaugural International Jameld Day last summer, it is hoped that the second such Nonsensefest will be even more enjoyable. IJD2 is currently planned for mid-September, possibly the 13th or 14th; further details will be made available nearer the time. The move to a date in September is for two reasons: firstly, because it is somewhat commemorative of the origins of both Jameld (conceptualized Sept. 1982) and Zolid Matters (ZM1 was penned Sept. 1992); secondly, to give everyone extra time to find things to glue to their faces. This is probably as good a moment as any to admit that Zolid Matters has succumbed to the fashion for all that newfangled electronic media (elektronit~s mitas). Hence, you will see below our shiny new e-mail address (e-pot~st adressa), and the location of our rather scruffy new World Wide Web site (Wérlt Vït Wab plaz), in addition to the fax number (faksa nümbron), which is now really rather old hat (eldi hod).
Inek te necht tes, waszë--Hauf! JJ.