Hïlad and welcome to this special generously-proportioned seventh issue of the remarkably frequent and frequently remarkable Zolid Matters, the journal of the British Jameld Association (hereinafter referred to as the BJZ). As denoted by the engagingly time-worn masthead typeface, and by the large flash bearing the legend 'History Special', this is a special issue containing, in addition to all the usual features, a wealth of historical information about Jameld, enough to satisfy all but the most committed of Jameldists. This time, therefore, there are two pages of caprice, rumour and trope instead of the usual one. Where ZM was previously fluffy, it is now fluffier than would normally be possible; where formerly it was merely cuddly, it has now achieved superlative cuddliness beyond the wildest dreams of anyone whose dreams are . . . well, wild, presumably.
This time, a special bumper package of everyday Jameld. Firstly, some sweet nothings:
That's quite a squint you have.
Üquü t~slaa int iye 'st rëza.Only when I look at you, my dear.
Veln wen m'ohnvis iye, meü biliubi.
How delightful. Now, a typical exchange between a Jameldic dentist and his unfortunate patient:
Going abroad on holiday this year?
Gal ye ï oterlant vor vakansa oquo yura?Mmnff, grrgh mmmk nh ngurf ng Hnwihfnhng.
ERROR: Translation impossible.Oh, very nice. Plastic bib, please, nurse.
Oh, mol gut. Plastit~s bavja, bég', set~star.
Bit of a problem there with our translation system. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, if we can work out what 'normal' is.
The history of Jameld is long, murky, and somewhat unreliable. The language survived in small pockets for centuries (cue cries of: 'Like fluff?'), somehow avoiding extinction through resilience and obstinacy. Only recently has the richness of the culture been recognized, and now an increasing number of scholars, psychologists and lab rats have shown an interest in the language itself.
Jameld is an Indo-European language; specifically, it is a member of the West Germanic family, from which also stem Frisian,
Dutch, German, Flossy and English. However, it is hard to classify exactly, due
to a large number of influences on the culture and language.
There is no authentic written history of the Jameldic people (the 'Jamelt~ses') before modern times. Apparently in such a small community this was considered unnecessary, and history and culture were passed on orally (as indeed was the notorious Blue Plague of the 16th Century which apparently all but wiped out the Jamelt~ses at the time).
The only ancient Jameldic literature which has survived to the present day is fragmentary:
. . . and that's about it.
Because of this absence of historical information, it is hard to provide a reliable account of the movements of the Jamelt~ses through the centuries which contributed to the development of their language. Certainly, however, during the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, and the less-frequently-mentioned Awkward Ages, they appear never to have stayed in one locality for very long--a generation at most. They were not nomadic in the true sense; it's just that they couldn't find anywhere they actually liked. As a result of this constant wandering about, the Jamelt~ses came into contact with a wide range of cultures and languages.
The Jamelt~ses appear never to have had difficulty with the neighbouring peoples they encountered. Indeed, in many cases there was an ongoing business relationship in which they sold rat pelts to raise funds to buy large mallets--a pleasingly recursive trade.
In more recent times, a tolerable home was found, and the Jamelt~ses and their language gradually settled down. Part Two of this history will examine modern Jameldic culture and literature.
Each autumn issue, we take it upon ourselves to bring you a choice morsel of literature, lovingly translated into Jameld for your delectation and ponderment. This time, it is the turn of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (all copyrights humbly acknowledged) to undergo this special form of linguistic mutilation. In this extract, from Chapter 2, The Book explains how to mix a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, a remarkable drink invented by Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Véperyë te g^üs wrun aunt byetlen ew üquü Eld' Janx Sperit.
Yetyë intï iet aunt mët ew watar wrun te miyres ew Santraginus V--Oh, üquu Santraginaz miyrwatar! Oh, üquüs Santraginaz wit~ses!!!
Alaudyë thren kübes ew Arkturaz Mega-Yenevra malten intï te mighel (et mot isten binisi kum't drüchi wäi ëg^ te benzin jiston pirdi).
Alaudyë vour literes ew Faliaz merit~s ges pobelen pu iet, repevikla ew ig^é üquüs ghari Wondräates wi dödave ew yanohit int te Merit~ses ew Falia.
Flotyë, ober te ghregt~sïdé ew an selberi ladig^, an mët ew Qualaktin Hipermenth extrakt, rëakin ew ig^é te chadofsemi rëukes ew te g^unkfi Qualaktin Zonas, t~sotil, sukri und himzan.
Tropyë int te dant ew an Algolaz Sonnentiger. Wakiyë iet oplaasin, sprïdin te ferzes ew t'Algolaz Sonnenes dëpit~s intï te herta ew te trink.
Sprenkelyë Zamfuora.
Quichtyë jund an oliv.
Trinkyë . . . hnyo . . . mol sorgfullg^a . . .
There you have it: how to make 'the best drink in existence.' However, since it is impossible to mix a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster under Earth's atmospheric conditions, no-one can accuse ZM of promoting the excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages. Being inane, maybe.
A number of association members (oh, come on zero is a number, arguably) have enquired about the intermittent, nay, fitful, project that is J2, Jameld's pseudo-Slavic sister language. Zolid Matters can exclusively reveal that research on J2 continues. Occasionally. The J2 Development Subcommittee sends this message to all ZM readers:
"Pibiat daarat liib aniisx. Videdøm vin voskar."
New Information Desk incumbent Sir Osric Eftmingler is proving to be a most valuable member of the BJZ team, having gained much experience cleaning washbasins in Europe's largest railway stations. He has attractively decorated his work area with orange peel, empty Optrex bottles and slices of tripe spray-painted turquoise, and his Coffee with Digestives Flambé has become a regular treat in the office. In his spare time Osric likes to stick stamps to his left earlobe and fax kippers to prominent Wiltshire industrialists.
In response to your many concerned enquiries about Sigmund V. Bollweevil, formerly of this parsnip, we are pleased to report that, following his declaration of unilateral greengrocery last year (visyë ZM4), he has been granted full EU membership and as much Spam as he can eat. Everything's back to normal, then.
Just a brief message to all those who supported IJD in various and wonderful ways last July many thanks. Same again next year? (I'll make more of an effort myself--Ed.)
Inek otyïv ight--Hauf! JJ.