Hïlad and welcome to issue nine of the strangely whimsical and agreeably strange Zolid Matters, known to its friends as ZM9 and to others as 'that stupid newsletter thing.' At this point in the proceedings, it is usual to point out that this is the official journal of the British Jameld Association; however, during a session of rabid renomenclaturization in September the Britaz Jameld Zolidaton (literally, the British Jameld Association) became the Binertglobakläi Jameld Zolidaton (literally, untranslatable---just call it the Jameld Association). Since ZM8 found its way to South America, Africa, Oceania and Europe, the 'British' bit seemed somewhat inapposite. Of course, the BJZ is still merely a figment of the collective fevered minds of those who consider themselves its members, and it only exists in those minds and the pages of this publication.
Our correspondent R.A. Weevil of Suffolk writes:
" 'A phrase a quarter' ... should that be 'A phrase per quarter'?"
Far be it from your humble Ed to dispute with such an esteemed association member, but pedantry is my job. 'A Phrase A Quarter' is what this feature is called, pedants notwithstanding, and here it is: a barbershop scene (fortunately, without the four-part harmonies).
Can you trim a little off my beard, please?
Bég', sneton ye an minik ab meü berd?
Certainly, sir. When would you like to collect it?
Vävit: wen wulne ye abhalen iet, Eörel?
Do not attempt to perform this stunt at home.
If you have not already lapsed into tedium-induced slumber, you will have noted that this ish of ZM is accompanied by a Special Bonus Item. This consists of a distressingly slim volume entitled 'The Saga of Jorthel,' the remarkable tale of a brave mediæval knight and some mud. Attentive Jameldists will recall that ZM7 revealed the existence of the sole manuscript of this rare and historical document, albeit in a deeply regrettable 'previously-owned' condition. Still more regrettable is that this MS is carefully preserved in a museum in Paraguay, which is so inconvenient. However, after much painstaking work restoring the manuscript, carefully deciphering the faded writing and translating it from the Old Jameld in which it is written into English (and after a brief and unfortunate misunderstanding with the Customs authorities at Asunción airport), we at the BJZ are pleased to be able to make this important piece of Jameldic culture widely available. Like all Sagas of its type, it is best read in the dark with a torch. (Except, of course, if you switch the torch on, you're not actually in the dark anymore, so you'd have to leave the torch switched off really to get the full effect---Ed.)
As is now crustimoney in every October issue of ZM, we present for your mental stimulation a portion of classic literature---which is conveniently out of copyright---lovingly translated into the finest Jameld.
'Mä brilig, und slickal tohfes
Hiyr-himlemä ax waab.
Mol mimzit~s 'mä t'orékohfes
Wïl momrathes otkraab'.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogroves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
(With apologies to Lewis Carroll---as if they're any use to him now, 98 years after his decease.)
There have been scurrilous reports in some quarters (and, indeed, in other fractions) that reading Zolid Matters could be implicated in the mental condition known as Creutzfeldt-Jameld Disease. The Jameldic Health Advisory Committee wish to make it clear that these rumours are quite without foundation and untrue; Zolid Matters is perfectly safe to read, provided that the issue concerned is less than 30 months old and all potentially infective material has been removed by a BJZ-accredited editor. All BJZ publications are 'safe' within the normal meaning of the word.
Inek tïpeli kifras---Hauf! JJ.
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