||Last updated: 1 May 2018
New product: Emergency Toast
PlexusOne /// The Interruptible Power Supply
For those who find life with a UPS just too dull and predictable.
PlexusTwo /// Inflatable Llama
Suitable for all occasions. All occasions, that is, where an inflatable llama is required.
PlexusThree /// The Auxiliary Steering Device
For very busy drivers.
PlexusFour /// Musical Breakfast Cereal
Takes 'Snap, Crackle and Pop' to a new dimension entirely. Eliminates the mess caused by inserting Pop Tarts into cassette decks, CD players, toasters etc. Simply eat and your digestive system will provide a lively musical accompaniment to the day. Warning: Beware of mid-morning remixes.
Designation reserved for a particularly cool idea, generated before those for PlexusFive and PlexusSix, which we can't discuss right now for technical reasons.
These two were also highly ingenious, but were forgotten before they were recorded.
PlexusEight /// The Last Invention
A machine or device for inventing other cool machines or devices.
PlexusNine /// Spray-On Hair
Spray-On Body Hair, in a variety of colours; ideal for young people who wish to appear not-so-young. Or people who've used PlexusFiftyNine.
PlexusTen /// Rocket in a Can
A ring-pull can, containing a small rocket, fired when the can is opened. Mark One proved to have some minor technical problems; Mark Two is projected to feature a delayed-launch device for safety, and will be constructed once the skin grafts have healed.
PlexusEleven /// Anti-Snoring Pills
An ingenious new method to cure snoring. Each pill contains a small device which explodes if the patient snores; hence, the pills cure by deterrence or (failing that) detonation.
Designations reserved for future non-use.
New for 1999/2000 Millennium Celebrations
PlexusFourteen /// Die-on LAN
Remarkable new BIOS feature for personal computers in a network environment whereby killing the server will automagically close down all the workstations on the network. The logical antidote to Wake-on LAN, which in a projected nightmare scenario could result in frenzied IT operatives running around, desparately attempting to shut down all the PCs before they wake each other up again, ad infinitum (an example of Fun With Recursion).
PlexusFifteen /// Mank Mode
A new software feature, whereby whatever you're working on is instantly turned into complete mank. Possible uses include: Photoshop Plug-In -- mank up your graphic with minimal effort; Word tool -- AutoCorrects your spelling with complotely missplit worms; Fax Gateway replacement -- scrambles message before transmission to ensure total security (no one will be able to read it, even if you intended them to do so; it's not encrypted, it's manked).
PlexusSixteen /// Plexus Encryption
Microsoft did 40-bit, then 128-bit encryption for increased security in these data-paranoid times. Plexus now proudly presents 1-bit encryption, the ultimate cracker-proof algorithm: turn all those ones to zeros and nobody's gonna decrypt that message!
PlexusSeventeen /// Nulls
Tasteless, invisible, sweets for programmers. Sold in 0g bags (nett weight). "Pass that bag o' Nulls."
PlexusEighteen /// The Self-Preparing Chicken
Fresh from the Plexus Animal Laboratories, a Genetically Modified chicken with ease-of-use built in. Simply flick the conveniently-placed switch, and the chicken will automatically pluck, stuff and roast itself, thanks to the wonders of the miniaturized explosive device, microwave and breadcrumbs concealed within. Ready to eat in just 2 minutes. (Health insurance not included.)
PlexusNineteen /// PlexSludge: The Ultimate Salad Dressing
Plexus present another remarkable pseudo-edible product, for the terminally fashion-obsessed foodie -- salad dressing made from rancid mammoth sebum. A truly unforgettable taste experience, in the sense that you'll never be able to completely rid yourself of the faint tang of prehistoric scalp grease. PlexSludge has the bonus feature of being extremely exclusive and hard-to-get due to the difficulties in obtaining the main ingredient.
This was an idea we had for a clever adjustable keyboard device, but we had to scrap it for reasons of taste (not that that stopped PlexSludge).
PlexusTwentyOne /// Self-Formatting Floppies
How many times have you reached for a floppy disc to transfer just one smallish file, only to find that the umpteen multicoloured discs sitting on the shelf are all unlabelled and full up with a myriad unidentifiable files called things like IMPORTAN.DOC or ZX9P120.DLL that you daren't erase just in case? And then, inflamed by rage, you became compelled to kick over the computer, scream primally, set off the fire extinguishers and run howling from the burning offi... <slap> Sorry about that. Anyway, you know how irritating it can get. Well now, Plexus have come to the rescue with two whole variations on the theme of self-formatting floppies. Type 1 features a small button marked 'Wipe', which when pressed will reformat the disc instantly, without the user having to insert it into a drive and inspect the contents. Something's got erased, but who cares? We don't know what it was. Type 2 is altogether more cunning: it doesn't have a 'Wipe' button. Instead, it will silently reformat itself at a random date and time, while it's still on the shelf or even in the box. That way, you'll always be able to find a fresh disc to use. This product is sponsored by the manufacturers of tape streamers and other 'real' backup devices, who want you to stop relying on floppies as a safe backup medium...
PlexusTwentyTwo /// MoneyBags
In view of the proliferation of explosive-powered baglike safety devices now being fitted to motor cars, and the increasingly litigious nature of those unfortunate enough to benefit from them, we feel that this new concept would be of double benefit: airbags filled with money, to provide instant compensation in the event of an accident. After problems with the initial prototypes, it seems that paper money would be preferable as a filling, as opposed to coins. (Formerly known as PlexusEighteen, until we checked and realized we'd done that already. It's hard to keep count of all these terrific ideas, you know.)
A trilogy of inventiveness, this Plexus line is comprised of some machines we invented, but we don't know what they do:
Plexus23a: Smectic Transducer
Plexus23b: Chirality Amplifier
Plexus23c: Molecular Turbidizer
We're waiting for someone to tell us that they've got one, it's top secret and how did we find out about it.
PlexusTwentyFour /// The Ultimate Till
New for discerning and/or greedy shopkeepers everywhere: the Plexus Ultimate Till. When a purchase item is scanned, instead of adding the purchase price to the running total, it multiplies them together. Hours of fun for all the family. See how long it takes your customers to notice. N.B. Not recommended for 'Everything for a Pound' shops.
PlexusTwentyFive /// The Band
This was a particularly good idea for a band which would have had a seriously cool name. We formed the band, and then ten seconds later realised that the name wasn't so cool after all, so we disbanded. A great shame, as we'd have made some brilliant records and become immensely rich. Probably.
PlexusTwentySix /// The Instant Weekend
Sometimes there just aren't enough weekends for all the stuff you have to do. Indeed, sometimes there's just too much week to wade through before you get to another weekend. Wouldn't it be great if you could create an extra weekend, say, this Wednesday? Well, now you can with the patented Plexus Instant Weekend... In A Can! Yes, it's a real weekend, lovingly dehydrated and compressed for your convenience into a standard-size ring-pull can; simply open the can and be whisked away into a handy couple of days off.
Caution: do not confuse this product with the Rocket In A Can (PlexusTen), or you will be whisked away to somewhere else entirely.
PlexusTwentySeven /// Leather on Toast
The problem, as we see it, with cheese-on-toast, is that it really has to be eaten hot. If at the critical serving-up moment you receive a phone call from, say, your partner in a creative technology enterprise, the choice is simple: either ask them to call back in twenty minutes (and thereby run the risk of missing a vital new development), or take the phone call and watch your lovingly prepared lunch turn to deeply unappetising leather. The Plexus answer is obvious: Leather on Toast, a product which is just as disgusting cold as when hot. No matter what happens or what interruptions you experience, you can always return to your meal safe in the knowledge that it's just as you left it: no deterioration (as it's barely edible in the first place) and no one else will have stolen it, not even the cat (for precisely the same reason). Special launch offer: free pair of shoes with every 5 packets of this product (supplied in kit form).
N.B. This product is entirely non-animal-derived, being constructed from various petrochemical derivatives. Plexus do not advocate any form of animal abuse, with the possible exception of shouting at the cat when it steals your precious cheese-on-toast.
PlexusTwentyEight /// Better Living by Temporal Anomalies
Our latest get-rich-quick scheme simply can't fail: we shall travel (wioll haven travelled) back in time to 1996 and put a patent on Translucent Plastic, just before the introduction of the Apple iMac, thereby cleaning up. This project will be completed (has on-been completen) just as soon as we can get the time machine to work.
PlexusTwentyNine /// Intelligent Useful PDA
A voice-activated Personal Digital Assistant which spots when you make a witty comment or deliver a corny punchline, and automatically accents it with a drum sample.
PlexusThirty /// Personal Digital Idiot
A cool-looking translucent blue plastic item with absolutely no working features whatever. Battery life: infinite.
PlexusThirtyOne /// More Betterer Living by Temporal Anomalies: Part II
Transdimensional archaeology: dig things up before they get there, or alternatively dig things up that are in fact somewhere else entirely. Saves all that tedious mucking about with dendrochronology, carbon-14 dating, archaeologists, etc.
PlexusThirtyTwo /// The Universal Unit of Measurement
Problems with inaccurate measurements? Simply use our new all-purpose Universal Unit: the Fnip. One Fnip equals one newton, one litre, one furlong, one ångström, one fortnight, one coulomb, one joule, one universe, one decibel, one hertz, one parsnip, one ounce (troy) and one kilobyte. All at the same time. It can be as long, as heavy, as loud, as fast as you like. Truly revolutionary.
PlexusThirtyThree /// Subliminal HTML
Our new project promises to be the most unpopular yet: if people hated <BLINK> (and they did), just think what vitriol will be reserved for <SUBLIMINAL>. Advertisers will love it though. [Personally, I prefer making the text colour the same as the background--Ed.]
PlexusThirtyFour /// Extreme Programming
In search of ever-greater excitement, we are investigating the possibilities of the computing equivalent of extreme sports. One suggestion that comes to mind is Coder X, whereby 2 or more programmers hack the same code side-by-side in a no-holds-barred race to the finish. Protective clothing (elbow pads, crash helmets, mouse guards etc.) is advisable. Alternatively, try our version of Base Jumping, i.e. changing from Hex to Binary to Octal and back again on the fly whilst coding.
PlexusTwentyNine [again] /// Intelligent Useful PDA, Mk II
Our device to automatically spot and accentuate your punchlines has been so successful that we have been inspired to add further functionality: a white noise generator, so that if it senses that your conversation has gone outside the bounds of general taste and decency it cancels out your voice. [Here, Mr. Hobbs made a further observation, but sadly the white noise generator drowned out his comments. Such a shame.]
PlexusThirtyFive /// Neural XML
The ultimate in databasing technology -- simply hardwire your brain into the system and read off the information with Neural XML. Care should be taken to establish a *read-only* connection... <shudder>
PlexusThirtySix /// In-Car Poetry
This idea is an innovative use of CD-Text, the feature now available on the latest CD players (especially in-car ones) which displays the name of the artist and track title on a display while the CD is playing. If the CD contained 99 silent tracks of, say, only 10 seconds' duration each, the display could show scrolling poetry. Putting the player in Shuffle Mode could create a whole new work of art. Use of this product while driving would, of course, be nearly as dangerous as using your mobile phone, nasal hair remover or hedge clippers in the fast lane, and for this reason we recommend parking your vehicle before reading any poetry.
PlexusThirtySeven /// Stealth Cows
During a particularly surreal nighttime journey in fog, our fevered minds started to imagine the possibilities of creating a new breed of cattle, genetically engineered to be permanently "cloaked", and thus invisible. What would happen if you crashed into one at night? What would the beef be like, and could you find it? If you trod in a stealth cowpat, how hard would it be to clean it off your shoes? Et cetera.
PlexusThirtyEight /// The Plexus Search Engine
This fabulous new project breaks new ground in Internet search technology. Go to plexussearch.zolid.com and search for anything you like on the web -- say, "stealth cows". Our special search software employs highly-trained web spiders to locate all the occurrences of your chosen word or phrase in the World Wide Web, then informs you how many times it has found it (in the case of our chosen example, it found "stealth cows" fifteen times... scary). It doesn't tell you where, though, that would be far too conventional. Like we said, the Plexus Search Engine breaks new ground in Internet search technology.
PlexusThirtyNine /// Forget Yourself books
As a postmodernist antidote to contemporary society's pressure on all to absorb and remember more and more information, Plexus offers a new range of self-improvement publications. The Forget Yourself series of books facilitates the personal uninstallation of blocks of mind-data which have ceased to be (or never were) of active benefit to the individual. Among the first titles in the series are Forget Yourself Dutch, Forget Yourself Computing, Forget Yourself The 1970s and Forget Yourself Fêng Shui.
Disclaimer: I have nothing against the Dutch language. It's just that as I have sadly already forgotten what little I once learnt I am clearly ideally qualified to write the book.
PlexusForty /// Square CDs
Remember all those years when we muddled through with inefficient old-fashioned square tea bags? How we laughed at our former foolishness as we embraced the brave new 1990s world of round tea bags. Look, they fit the mug! Surely they must make the tea taste better! Well, these are the selfsame emotions you will experience when you first try Square CDs: how silly we were to think that boring old round CDs were advanced technology, when it is abundantly clear that square ones fit more neatly in the sleeve. How much tidier they look! Your music sounds so much brighter and more modern from square CDs. Software loads more smoothly from square CD-ROMs, due to the optimized bit transferral system built in to the new Cerise Book standard, thereby eradicating all known bugs from software. The fabulous new Plexus SquareDrives will be available soon, and don't worry, you won't have to replace your existing collection: old round discs can still be played using the special plastic Squaredaptor (may not work with all discs: copy-protected discs may cause drive to explode, releasing fifteen quadrillion tiny shards of top-grade bakelite).
Legal notice: None of the above claims can be substantiated. This does not constitute a guarantee, legal warranty or anything really. Offer not valid in Devon.
PlexusFortyOne /// Biodegradable Tarmac
The [eco]logical solution to the more-roads-or-more-jams conundrum: build roads that degrade in sunlight and/or rain. Sooner or later they've disappeared again. (This product is currently undergoing trials in secret locations all over Ireland and parts of north Dorset.)
PlexusFortyTwo /// Cerebral Breakpoints
A brilliant solution to something or other, as invented by Hobbs Industries (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Plexus International Imaginary Technologies plc). We are currently awaiting technical specifications for this product.
PlexusFortyThree /// Posispam
Turn the current glut of spam email to your advantage with this new development from Plexus: Posispam is an anti-utility which automatically adds to your normal emails such expressions as "Vi*gra", "As seen on Opr*h", "Click here to unsubscribe" (yeah, right), "Help me defraud a West African state out of millions of dollars", and so on. As a result, you can guarantee that your emails will be spam filtered by the intended recipient (or preferably by their ISP), so they'll never see your vital email which you promised you'd send but didn't want to. And then weeks later of course you can (if you wish) get very angry and ask why they didn't reply to your email? Ah, the possibilities...
PlexusFortyFour /// The Plexus Conversation Predictor
This invention came out of one of our long rambling telephone discussions, towards the end of which we (as we always do) went quiet, having run out of things to blither about. At this point we made the observation that if we hung on for a bit, the conversation would begin again (as it always does), only with much weirder content (as it always does). And it did. Thus we had devised out of thin air the Plexus Conversation Predictor, which would be a boon in all those situations where you're afraid to raise a particular subject (e.g. "Can I have a raise?", "Do you love me?", "Did my priceless Stradivarius survive the wildebeest stampede intact?"). The Conversation Predictor removes all the anxiety about such questions, because once you've used it you know what the answer is going to be. The great thing is that we knew immediately it would work, because we had predicted we would invent it, and then we did.
PlexusFortyFive /// Wildcards for Phone Numbers
How cool would it be if you could use DOS wildcards in phone numbers? You know your old friend/colleague/debtor Herbert lives in, say, Bournemouth, but he's ex-directory. Simply dial 01202*, one hundred and forty thousand people in south Dorset pick up the phone, then you ask everyone who's not Herbert to ring off. OK, so the resultant receiver crash will shatter your eardrum and drive your ossicles deep into your hypothalamus, but at least you've found Herbert. The system could be open to misuse though: an economic terrorist targeting America could dial 00 1* and wait for the US phone system to go into meltdown. Great for direct marketing though (aaaaaargh).
PlexusFortySix /// Run-Hot Technology
This was a neat idea involving laptop computers that generate enormous amounts of heat, but after (very brief) reflection we felt it was in poor taste and frankly not the sort of thing you'd want to read about. *shudder*
PlexusFortySeven /// Inflatable Badger
Revisiting a theme of one of our very first products, this particular item has the additional advantage of being especially suitable for late evenings.
PlexusFortyEight /// Speechohol
Speechohol is a new variant of alcohol which affects solely the speech centres of the brain, rendering the drinker largely incapable of comprehensible speech, yet perfectly safe to drive. Hence, this product has a similar effect to major dental work, but it's much more pleasant.
PlexusFortyNine /// Plexus Foods I: Hedgehog Ice-Cream
Once again, I regret to inform you, gentle reader, that we went off on another wild imagining spree. This all began because someone asked me whether I preferred Hedgehogs or Otters (Otters, of course), and I was recounting this conversation to Dave. Dave, countering my observation that otters are cuter, pointed out that hedgehogs taste nicer, a claim I was unqualified to contradict. Naturally enough, we then started to move on from Hedgehog-Flavoured crisps (it's been done) to my other Default Food, ice-cream... and so the idea was born: Hedgehog Ice-Cream. The mental picture was one of a bowl of ice-cream, with the spines sticking out of the top of each scoopful. Mmm... spiny. Oh, and you know how those little tubs of ice-cream come with a wooden (or these days plastic) miniature spoon in the lid? With this product, tweezers (for removing the spines from the roof of your mouth).
PlexusFifty /// Plexus Foods II: Yogurt Corners
Yes, we know there's nothing new in square pots of plain yoghurt, one corner of which containing something yummy that you can tip into the white stuff and stir in to your satisfaction. What would be new is putting something unyummy into the little corner section - and here, you're probably way ahead of me, since you've just read PlexusFortyNine - such as hedgehog spines. Also in the range: skunk extract, conc. sulphuric acid (have to reinforce the pot, probably), wasps (tip 'em in quickly before they fly away), nanobot lions (ouch), and tapeworm segments (the 'diet' version, with low-fat yoghourt, naturally). Yes, this is repulsive, and yes, I have been intentionally spelling yaourt differently every time. Pronouncing it differently, too.
PlexusFiftyOne /// Plexus Foods III: Tick-Tacks
By now, you should be getting used to where we're going on this Plexus Foods thing, so this should be no surprise... Tick-Tacks: a little plastic container with a flip-open lid, containing a mixture of ticks and tacks.
PlexusFiftyTwo /// Halitosis Spray
Our remarkable halitosis-masking spray is made with genuine skunk extract; it doesn't cure your bad breath, but no one's going to get close enough to notice.
PlexusFiftyThree /// Xylotherapy
Modern Western culture has, over the last few decades, embraced a wide range of 'alternative' therapies. We feel certain that xylotherapy will be the next Big Thing. The therapy consists of being poked with a stick, but of course it's not as simple as it looks: the trained xylotherapist will know precisely which sort of stick to use, how hard to prod and whether to strap the patient to the couch first. This advanced knowledge qualifies the xylotherapist to charge remarkably high fees for what is essentially physical assault. Pretty soon, all those Hollywood types will be visiting their xylotherapist, right between their crystal healing session and their colonic irrigation.
PlexusFiftyFour /// Fragrant Pets
New for Summer 2004: a range of pets, genetically engineered to smell nice. Consider how much more pleasant it would be if your dog smelt of vanilla instead of, er, dog. In line with current trends in domestic fragrance products, these animals will be adjustable: "When my friends come round to visit, I turn my cat up to 3!"
PlexusFifty /// Plexus Foods: Yogurt corners, extended
One new variety for our range of, er, interesting yogurt corners: Boiling tar (a real challenge for the packaging department).
We like this idea so much, we keep coming back to it. Hence, while discussing the version featuring live wasps, we came to the following conclusions: 1. The part of the foil lid above the wasp compartment needs to have air holes, for obvious reasons. There's nothing worse than finding dead wasps in your yogurt. 2. The consumer has a real choice when it comes to storage of this product. 'Normal' consumers (inasmuch as anyone buying a Plexus product could be considered normal) would presumably keep the yogurt in the fridge. Hence, the wasps would be dopey and relatively placid when served. Real aficionados, however, would no doubt be more inclined to keep the yogurt on a sunny windowsill for a couple of weeks. The result of this, of course, would be that the wasps would be absolutely livid and ready to sting the first thing they saw upon release. For the keen consumer, this is a positive challenge (or, indeed, benefit), and the fact that the yogurt will have not merely gone off but will likely have metamorphosed into a particularly revolting slimy cheeselike substance will be of no concern whatever to the sort of person who relishes eating live, angry wasps.
PlexusFiftyFive /// Useful Wasps
You may have come to the conclusion that we, in Plexus, have something against wasps. This is not entirely the case, as we would now like to demonstrate. Our attitude is this: "Turn the little blighters to something useful." Consider the following possibility: wasps genetically engineered to provide the antidote to nettle stings. Where once, small children would run to their mother yelling: "I've fallen in the nettles, Mummy. Find me some dock leaves," soon they will cry, "I've fallen in the nettles, Mummy. Find me some wasps." We think you'll agree, what a wonderful day that will be.
PlexusFiftySix /// Polymorphic Speech
Language is evolving ever more quickly, especially among the young. Not so long ago, slang words would hang around for years, or at least weeks, before being decreed uncool (or anti-bling, or whatever the present expression for something unfashionable is). These days, a slang term is lucky if it lasts a couple of days before being consigned to linguistic oblivion along with words like 'drongoid', 'rad' and 'honesty'. We predict that shortly our vocabulary will become single-use, evolving in much the same way as polymorphic viruses which never appear the same way twice. You may see this as a nightmare, but for the lexicographer this vision is utterly splimvendic and queeb.
PlexusFiftySeven /// The Fran-Tic Power Generator
If, like some of the staff of Plexus, you are of a peculiarly neurotic disposition, you too may at times of extreme duress (for instance, during a protracted game of Fizz-buzz-ding-crash) exhibit that most embarrassing condition, the nervous tic. In some, this ailment displays itself in a relatively benign fashion, perhaps as a flickering eyelid or a tendency to unnecessarily push the spectacles up the nose. Others experience difficulties in finishing sentences (or, in extreme cases, starting them). Truly expert sufferers can easily knock over an occasional table or standard lamp out of sheer anxiety. Now Plexus offers all the opportunity to harness this nervous energy with the Fran-Tic Power Generator. Simply attach the electrodes provided to the afflicted body part, and soon you will be generating sufficient electricity to power a bulky and wholly unnecessary gizmo-laden MP3-player-cum-eggwhisk. And if things get worse, at least you'll be able to sell your excess volts (or should that be amps? I never was sure) to the National Grid.
PlexusFiftyEight /// The Modesty Seatbelt
With built-in clothing, for naturist drivers. Plexus -- keeping the roads decent.
PlexusFiftyNine /// Inventive Depilatory Products
We do not here speak from personal experience, naturally, but we understand that shaving one's legs is a very tiresome, not to say irritating, thing to have to do. The solution is this new Plexus product: garments impregnated with depilatory agents. Thus, Plexus Tights which cause your leg hair to fall out; Plexus Bobblehats that make your hair fall out; a new variant of the Plexus Stick-On Beard which makes your beard fall out (instant replacement); and -- the ultimate solution -- the Plexus Depilatory Body Stocking for the full effect.
Note: Dustpan and brush not provided.
PlexusSixty /// Run-flat for Humans
This invention takes as its inspiration the advanced run-flat tyre technology now used as standard on smug Teutonic limousines, whereby if a puncture is occasioned by undesirable road debris -- say, broken glass, a bronze sea-urchin replica, or a Hyundai -- the damage is instantly detected, reinflationary sealant materials are pumped into the tyre, and the luxobarge can continue imperiously on its way until it runs out of petrol a few minutes later due to the appalling fuel consumption of its eighteen-litre V24 engine which... *slap* Sorry, got carried away there on my high horse. Anyway, back to the invention, which is an adaptation of this principle for human use. In the event of injury or digestive ailment, a canister of foam automatically discharges to fill the entire alimentary tract and/or body cavity, thereby preventing any further leakage, injury or digestion. Very useful as a get-you-home measure during holiday emergencies.
PlexusSixtyOne /// The Self-Censoring Webcam
Frankly, these days there's far too much filth on the 'net: images of amorous toads, piles of compost... the list is somewhere else. Software is already available to filter out the most obviously offensive material, but those who are particularly sensitive can never be too careful, and so Plexus proudly presents the Self-Censoring Webcam. This remarkable product makes use of patented AvoidTheBackEndOfABus™ technology to detect, via highly ingenious algorithms, when someone ugly is in frame, and if so to block the image from being transmitted. This should be a boon to beautiful people whose stomachs are turned by the merest glimpse of homely features. As a demonstration, James has plugged in our prototype to his PC, and as you can see (below) it's working perfectly.
PlexusSixtyTwo /// Plexus Weïrd
A rather curious food product which adds a little strangeness to meals, generally provided as a side order, e.g. "Fish, chips, and a portion of weïrd".
PlexusSixtyThree /// Plexus Toilet Paper
A revolutionary product, which (as you may have guessed) we can't discuss here for reasons of taste.
PlexusSixtyFour /// Smash-Rec
Smash-recognition technology, to enable you to identify the contents of a parcel -- say, a carefully wrapped present -- without having to open it. Currently being tested by the Royal Mail.
PlexusSixtyFive /// Universal Theory Generator
This seemed like a terrifically neat idea at the time, but now that I come to document it, I can't recall why. Any ideas, Dave?
PlexusSixtySix /// The White-Noise Cough Obliterator
How many times have you been relaxing/concentrating at or in a cinema, theatre, religious service, country park, abattoir, museum of dandruff, or whatever, and been repeatedly disturbed by some inconsiderate numpty behind you who has decided to take their cough with them and who exercises it every twenty seconds or so? Until now, threats and/or violence were your only options for relief, but now you can avoid incarceration and legal costs with the use of Plexus' White-Noise Cough Obliterator. Simply calibrate the device against the audible irritation concerned, set it to 'Automatic', sit back and enjoy the film (or chanting, or meat). You're equally likely to still get infected by the sputum which the plague-victim is broadcasting across a wide radius, but you could always resort to Plexus FiftyThree...
PlexusSixtySeven /// Telephonic Normality
A normality filter for phones, to make odd friends sound normal. No doubt you can think of multiple applications, dear reader.
PlexusSixtyEight /// Emergency Custard
Simply a self-heating package of ready-made custard. Straight-up genius.
PlexusSixtyNine /// Emergency Toast
You can see where we're going with this. Just break a seal on the packet, and after a minute you get hot buttered toast. Available in a suitably Plexusy range of flavours, including Seville orange marmalade, loganberry jam, crunchy peanut butter, chocolate-hazelnut spread with Space Dust, hyperconcentrated Marmite and angry wasps (special packaging required).
All products and ideas hereabove © 1998-2018 David S. Hobbs and James "Maverick" Campbell. The appellation "Maverick" appears by kind permission of Husbands Character Assessment, Inc., Barbados.
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